Reading Xenia Tom’s hilarious survival guide for Flyer Fans heading to Maui reminded me that I had written one of my own 4 years ago, back in the days of the dearly-departed FlyerHoops.com. The only difference was mine was in English instead of Hawaiian. Since that web site is no longer with us and Joe Lombardi and Greg Bilotta are both MIA, I’m going to take the liberty of republishing my two-part Maui travel guide, with a few updates:

“From The Swamp”
Special Maui Preview Edition
Part One

Here’s a look at what Flyer Fans can expect when they arrive in Maui later this month:

Getting to Lahaina

It’s roughly 25 or 30 miles from the airport to Lahaina, but the trip takes about an hour. We Mainlanders get used to thinking in terms of Interstate miles — if Cincy is 50 miles from Dayton, then it’ll take 40 minutes to get there on I-75. Those rules don’t apply on Maui, as there are no Interstates and most roads are one lane.

Route 380 runs right outside the airport. Take that to Route 30, turn left and go 20-something miles to Lahaina. The drive on Route 30 is spectacular, as it follows right along the coast and provides some outrageous ocean views.

Renting a car is probably the way to go, as there are lots of places to see and things to do that the Lahaina Trolley won’t get you to, like the Haleakala volcano, golf, the road to Hana, etc.

One word of warning: if you rent a car, be careful pulling out of the lot.

I rented from Alamo, but all of the rental companies appeared to have the same set-up — they have a guard check your contract and you have to pull over to the left to give it to him. What you can’t see is what I hit: a big curb, which scraped the side of my rental. I stressed about it the whole trip and when I brought it back, I noticed there were about 50 different colors of paint on the curb. I pointed this out to the manager and told him that I obviously wasn’t the first person to encounter this problem. He ended up agreeing with me and I saved myself several hundred dollars.

Gas in Hawaii ain’t cheap — right now it’s well north of $2.00 a gallon. Let’s face it — you’re on a rock in the middle of the Pacific, so they can charge whatever they want and get away with it. The upside is that the island isn’t that big, so you won’t go broke on gas. I spent $35 in a week and we drove a lot.

Lahaina

Lahaina started out as a whaling town in the 1700’s. Back then, there used to be up to 100 whaling ships docked in Lahaina, each carrying 35-40 rowdy New Englanders, which translates to 3500-4000 original surf dudes looking for wine, women and song. Flyer Fans will be hard pressed to surpass the hijinks of Lahaina’s first tourists (one boat full of sailors started firing their ships cannon on a missionary’s house because he wouldn’t let them come to town) but I’m sure there will be some stories.

Lahaina is a lot like Key West — laidback, nice shops, great restaurants and stunning sunsets. Lahaina is also a lot like Orlando, in that every street corner has a stand with a guy selling tickets to all of the attractions. I avoided these guys, as I’m not sure what’s in it for them.

As for shopping, there are 3 main venues — Lahaina Center, a collection of shops right in Lahaina, behind the Hard Rock, that has a nice variety of local fare as well as some chains; Front Street, which gets its name from the fact that it fronts on the ocean and Whalers Village, just up the road in Kaanapali, which has nice local stores and very upscale chains like Versace, Dior, Coach, etc. Mrs. Swampy and the Swampettes spent the vast majority of their power-shopping time on Front Street.

I only drove by the Lahaina Civic and Recreation Center, where the Maui Invitational will be held — didn’t get the chance to stop in. It’s right on Route 30 between Lahaina and Kaanapali. I think we’ve all seen it on TV — it’s new, but small and a great place for the Flyers to pull off 3 in a row. Plus, they finally got AC!

Hotel-wise, you get what you pay for. Lahaina has mostly mid-range hotels. Kaanapali kicks it up a notch — Marriott, Westin, etc. Go up the road to Kapalua and you’re into top shelf places like the Ritz Carlton. We stayed at the Kaanapali Alii condos as part of a package thru Northwest. It wasn’t cheap, but we were on the 11th floor and had some really nice vistas.

If you’re there to watch the Flyers, party and hit the beach you aren’t gonna spend that much time in your room anyway, so save your money and stay someplace reasonable. At this late juncture you probably have already made your reservations, so forget I just said that.

Activities

I’ll save the two main activities — golf and restaurants — for Part Two of the Maui Preview, as there lots of choices in both categories. What else is there to do?

Snorkeling

Like anything else in life, you can pay or do as little or as much as you want to snorkel. The big attraction is Molokini, a submerged volcanic reef teeming with sea life. The problem is, it is a big attraction, so the place gets jammed with charter boats.

The Swampettes opted for a snorkel cruise on the Gemini, a huge catamaran that took them to a great spot where they saw tons of fish, turtles and even a manta ray, plus they got fed lunch and lots of snacks. As for me, I just used my own equipment to snorkel right off the coast from Whalers Village, where I saw hundreds of fish every day and even a moray eel. If you know how to scuba, all the better!

Surfing

If you know what you’re doing, rent a board and drive down Route 30 to one of the parks. They were jammed with surfers when we were there because of a Northern swell that made the surfing ideal.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, this might not be the place to learn.

The designated surfing area near our hotel was jammed with newbies. There were boards and bodies flying everywhere. My daughters decided to pass, as the swell combined with the crowded conditions made it questionable.

Haleakala

One of the major attractions is to bike ride (38 miles) down the 10,000 foot high Haleakala volcano. The downside is that most of the tours are “sunrise trips” meaning that they pick you up at your hotel at 2:45AM, so you can be at the summit to watch the sun come up. Then you ride down. They provide all of the gear, including helmets and wind suits, so you don’t freeze your buns off — it can get down into the 30’s up there.

You can go with a do-it-yourself, unescorted deal that costs less. Or you can do what we did — drive up at your own pace and on your own time schedule. The thought of riding that long on a bike didn’t excite my wife and me and the Swampettes weren’t about to get up that early on vacation.

It takes 2 ½ hours to get up there from Lahaina, even tho it’s only 50 miles. The reason is that there are 200+ hairpin turns that you have to take at 15MPH. The summit is otherworldly, like the surface of the moon. You can hike down into the actual volcano, if you so desire. You won’t be disappointed, no matter how you get up there!

Luaus

When in Hawaii, do as the natives do. We opted for the Luau at the Wailea Outrigger Resort, which gave us a chance to see the other side of the island. There’s also the Old Lahaina Luau, which is right on Front Street in town, if you don’t feel like driving.

We had an interesting group at our table: a couple from Philly, with a wife who had a morbid fear of dentists. Next to them were two third-year dental students from Ft. Worth on their honeymoon. The four of them had some really interesting chats about dentistry! Next to them, the long-distance romance award winners, a just engaged couple, he from London, she from LA. How’d you like to be an 11 hour plane ride from your honey? Next to them, a honeymooning couple from Lexington, KY. He worked for the CBS-TV affiliate; she was in law school at UK. Did I happen to mention the Flyers victory the previous year in Cincy over the Wildcats to them? Absolutely! They remembered it vividly, as the husband’s station is the flagship for the UK games.

The food was good and plentiful, the bar was open, the site was spectacular — right on the ocean. We had our picture taken and it now hangs in the hall upstairs in our house — the 4 of us will never look that tanned and rested again!

The highlight of the night was the fire knife (aka torch) juggler. He was billed as the three-time World Champion fire knife juggler. Is this an Olympic sport? After he was done, I told my wife to forget Michael Jordan, this guy was the best athlete in the world. This dude twirled that sucker behind his back, between his legs, up in the air, two at a time, you name it. He never missed, but then again, I guess he couldn’t afford to.

Unbelievable!

One word of warning: do not eat poi. I firmly believe that poi is an inside joke that Hawaiians play on Mainlanders, kinda like the Greeks do with ouzo. Poi has two things going for it, neither of which is taste: it has no calories and no fat. Yuck!

The Road to Hana

If you want to see the real Hawaii, plus some unreal scenery, then you have to take the drive to Hana. It’s 52 miles from the airport, but it takes 2+ hours because of the narrow, one-lane roads and frequent stops that you’ll want to make. I was outvoted on taking the drive by Mrs. Swampy and the Swampettes, but people I talked to who did it said it was definitely worth the trip. Gas up and buy snacks before you leave, because there aren’t any places on the way.

Once you get to Hana, you have a choice — continue on roads that are not covered under your rental car insurance policy or turn around and miss the Seven Pools, which are supposed to be the most gorgeous waterfalls on the islands. Tough call!

Next time, I’ll cover golf and restaurants on Maui.