Here’s a message, along with some advice, to all of you planning the trip to Maui to root for the Flyers.

First of all, you have my sincere and unending envy. I’d love to make the trip with you but, for reasons I’ll explain shortly, I am unable to do so. You will have the good fortune of visiting one of our most beautiful states. I was lucky enough to spend two years at Pearl Harbor during my Navy service, and I returned with my wife four years ago to visit Oahu, Maui and the Big Island. We are contemplating another visit next year.

One thing you need to do while on Maui is to call Ed Chambers, a former co-worker of mine, and tell him Tom in Xenia says hello. Ed is a copy editor at the Maui News, and you’ll probably have to call him there because his home phone will be tied up by the long-distance and Internet romance (ah, to be young again!) he is carrying on with his Thai sweetie. In fact, he is planning a trip to Thailand to see her in November, but he should be back home by the time you get to Maui. Ed is one reason I won’t be able to join you. My wife is the other reason. When we were there in 1999, Ed wanted to take me to see the nude beach at Makena, but he made the mistake of telling my wife of his plans. Now, she doesn’t trust me with Ed unless she’s along. Ed might get irritated with the first few “Tom in Xenia says hello” messages, but he’ll eventually see the humor in it and might even join you for a few beers in Lahaina.

If you want to make an impression on the locals on Maui, prepare now by geting acquainted with “Iz” — Israel Kamakawiwoole (pronounced ka-MAH-ka-vee-vo-OH-lay), one of Hawaii’s most popular and beloved singers. At 6 foot-2 and nearly 760 pounds, he was a big man with a resonant voice. He was only 38 when he died of respiratory problems in 1997. Hawaiian flags flew at half-staff on the day of his funeral. Some of his songs have been featured in movies, TV shows and commercials — “Over the Rainbow” probably being the most familiar. If you can’t find his tapes and CDs locally, try Amazon.com.

Let me be the second to say Be Loud and Wear Red. The Flyers will appreciate the support and many of us on the mainland wataching the games on TV want to see and hear you.

Take a lot of money, and be sure to spend some of it at the Rusty Harpoon in Whalers Village and Cheeseburger in Paradise and the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in Lahaina.

And once again, I’d like to offer these useful Hawaiian phrases that I have posted previously:

ON THE PLANE

My, how your perfume fills the entire cabin!
‘A’ala maoli keia wahi o kakou i kau wai ‘ala kuikawa!

If I snore, I would like to apologize in advance.
Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, i keia manawa ho’i.

I am filled with admiration for my in-flight meal.
Kahaha ko’u na’au i ke ‘ano o ka mea ‘ai ma keia mokulele.

Only six dollars for a headset? Why that’s only three dollars per ear!
Eono kala no ka ho’olohe lekio? ‘O ia ho’i, ‘ekolu wale no kala o kahi pepeiao!

Baby, Severe Turbulence is my middle name.
E ku’u kumu e, mai hopohopo, ua kapa ‘ia ko’u inoa waena, ‘o ia ‘o Severe Turbulence.

CHECKING IN AT THE HOTEL

This is a wonderful room for a dwarf.
He lumi maika’i keia e ku pololei ana i ke kanaka peke.

How nice of you to find a bed that will fit my leg.
Mahalo nui loa ia ‘oe, ua loa’a mai kahi moe kupono o ka nui no ko’u wawae ‘akau wale no.

This view of your parking lot is incredible!
He kuikawa ka ‘ikena o kela wahi ho’oku ka’a e waiho kala’e ihola ma ‘o!

It’s a lovely gift; now please unwrap the toilet seat.
A ‘o ia, he makana maika’i loa keia; aka, nau no e ho’ohemo i ka wahi pepa ma luna o ka noho lua la, ke ‘olu’olu.

EATING DINNER

My wife will pay the bill when she returns.
Aia no a ho’i mai ka’u wahine, nana ka pila e uku aku.

These really nice napkins seem to match my underclothing.
Ku maika’i keia mau kawele pepa i ke ‘ano o ko’u ‘a’ahu palema’i.

This merlot is an ungrateful bitch.
He kanapapiki mahalo ‘ole keia mea inu merlot ia’u.

Waiter, my papaya has been previously fondled!
E ke kuene, ua milimili ‘e ‘ia neia mikana!

The busboy has cursed me and I am ashamed.
Ua ho’ohalahala ‘ia mai nei au na ke kuene, a hilahila ihola au.

Pardon my flatulence, but I had refried beans and poi for breakfast.
E kala mai i ka palale, i ka palali; aka ua ‘ai aku nei i papapa mo’alua a me ka poi i ke kakahiaka nei.

SPEAKING TO THE AIRPORT SCREENER/SECURITY

I greatly admire your machine pistol.
Ke mahalo nui aku nei au i ko pu.

Yes, I have something to declare: “I need a shower!”
Ae, he mea ko’u e ho’ike aku ai, “He pono no ka ho’i ke ‘au’au kililau!”

How completely you have ripped my bags apart!
Pau weluwelu ka’u mau ukana i kou ‘ano he makaukau, tsa!

GETTING ON THE BUS

That was a most unusual sound. Did you eat a big breakfast?
He kani ‘ano ‘e loa kela. Ua ‘ai nui anei ‘oe ma ke kakahiaka?

You must be very proud of your large hat.
Ha’aheo no paha ‘oe i kena papale kupalaka, pehea la.

May I sleep on your lap?
I hiamoe au ma luna o kou ‘uha?

How tenderly you have nudged my buttocks with your beach bag.
Nani ka pa lihi o kena ‘eke holoholo i hope o’u nei.

DOCTORS ON CALL

Can wearing a thong and running on the beach cause a rash like this?
Ua pili anei keia ‘ohune i ke komo hawele li a me ka holo wawae ma kahakai?

Damn it, man, what the hell kind of a doctor are you anyway?
E ke kamipulu, pehea la kou ‘ano kauka ‘ana mai?

[Originally written by “Xenia Tom”]