“Dear Journal,

We had our first meeting in our locker room. I was curious to see who and what he looked like and what he was about. As he walked in, I noticed he had a rather large nose, he kind of walked with a limp, and he carried himself very confidently. He is the kind of person that when he walks in a room, he captures everyone’s attention. He sat down and looked around at each of us. Some of the seniors from that year were there for their own personal curiosity. Then he spoke, very loud and sure. He first told us about himself and then about his rules and what he expects out of us and the program.

By the end of the meeting, I was stunned. He sounded perfect, even though I still missed Jaci and her staff. He spoke of discipline, respect and introduced a new style of play, exactly opposite of what I had been taught for the last four years. I thought to myself, we might be okay. He wants to run up and down the floor, fast but under control. He promises that we will score 90 points a game but we will have to learn to defend since we are rather small and don’t return much size.

All in all, the meeting went well. As we were walking out, he greeted everyone, shaking their hands or patting them on the backs. I still had my arm in a sling but was supposed to be out of it in a few days. He said, “Hi,” to me and then walked past. I thought to myself, okay, maybe he didn’t see me in a sling because he didn’t ask me what had happened or why I was in it. I thought, ok, no big deal.

But, right away I let that get to me. He was already starting to blow me off, I thought. Ignoring me and not wasting his time to get to know me since I was leaving after next year. So not only did I hold back a little because I missed Jaci and felt like I would be betraying her if I was nice and accepting of him, I held back because I felt like he was blowing me off.

The next few weeks of school before summer, everyone took their turn going up to the office and talking with him, giving him their input and getting to know him. I felt that I didn’t need to go up to his office and talk for hours about my game and last year and stuff. I was just going to let him watch the game tapes from last year and decide for himself and then if he had any questions about why I did certain things at certain times, he could ask me.
I spent my time rehabbing, working on my strength and my ball handling, since that was all I was able to do.

Individual practices started and I wasn’t able to participate because I wasn’t cleared yet, so I just watched. I learned a lot by watching. I learned how different his style was from Jaci’s. I was just anxious to get on the court and see if I could transform from all the habits that were pounded in my head over the last four years.

Although I felt excited to give it try, I still felt in the back of head that he wasn’t very fond of me. I couldn’t help but think that he wasn’t going to make any effort to get to know me. He already knew everyone’s life story by the end of last year, except mine. Maybe he didn’t want to know, or didn’t care, or just didn’t have time to ask. Either way, I felt like an outcast. It was like he didn’t want me there or that he had something against me. But what? I didn’t know him from Adam and neither did he, me. I sure wasn’t going to go offer information if he didn’t want to know. So that is how I played it.

I spoke and said hi when I saw him, but I kind of stayed away. I didn’t go around or try to be around, I just kept to myself. I figured I could get through the season without him actually knowing me as a person. It can be strictly be a player-coach relationship. Besides, I thought that he would never know me as well as the other staff did, and I didn’t want him to. But, it turned out to be much harder than I expected.

Much of the summer went by and he became friendlier with me but it still didn’t seem natural. I think he took my non-responsiveness as arrogance or cockiness. But, at the time I really didn’t care. I knew I wasn’t cocky or arrogant, actually I’m a very modest person if you know me. I’m shy to the point that I won’t talk to you if I don’t know you because I’m not very outgoing in that sense. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and if you hurt me, I’m not very forgiving. I know that is something that I need to work on but still, I have been walked on enough. So if I don’t know you, I’m not going to open up and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets. That is something you have to earn, and the way I saw it, he didn’t want to earn it, especially the way I felt he was treating me.”

Stefanie